Why I Love Being Called a "Pig"

June 16, 2017

Ten-Forty Nine

Serving a Warrant

At my agency we are all about intelligent policing. Everything we do revolves around the acquisition of information and the implementation of enforcement based on that information. A big part of that is identifying recidivism in crime; which is basically finding criminals who are constantly committing crime. These people are the "bad guys" you often hear cops talk about, not the guy who got caught smokin' the reefer. These are the people constantly breaking into people's homes or violently hurting innocents.

This week, we targeted a young suspect who had broken into many homes over the short decade of her criminal career; and I use the term career because she's made a career out of being a criminal. Well that career came to a sudden and targeted end, today.

We identified her location and proceeded to the house, where we eventually found her hiding in a closet. Nothing spectacular; no big fight with the police, no Tasers, no wrestling. She pretty much gave up the moment she realized we were the hide n' seek champions of our municipality. But... she said two things that truly captivated me.

"Don't you guys have anything better to do? Why don't you go do your jobs."

Well honey... this is our job. We did it. We did it pretty good, actually. Thanks for your concern though.

"Ya'll are just a bunch of pigs."

This was the one I LOVED. Contrary to popular belief, I feel like being called a pig is quite the compliment. I'll tell you why, too:

- Pigs are freaking smart! Pigs were ranked by The Huffington Post as one of the smartest animals in the animal kingdom. They said they were about as smart as your average chimpanzee. Pigs are smart, have fantastic long-term memories, and are very cunning. Hell, if you ask my wife she'd probably say most pigs are smarter than I am, especially in the memory department. Which reminds me... I think I forgot to take out the trash.

- Pigs are verbal! There was a study done which indicated that most jet engines emits sounds at approximately 113 decibels. A pig has the ability to scream at 115 decibels. In law enforcement, we call this "Command Presence". Command presence can sometimes be the difference between life and death. Being loud, articulate, and commanding can be incredibly important in tense situations where you just NEED someone to hear you over the rest of the noise. Decibels save lives... unless you have teenage rock bands living in the garage next door. Then it ruins lives.

- Pigs are fast and have great stamina! It was recorded that pigs can run, a bit above average, a seven-minute mile. Although not Olympic levels, that's still pretty impressive. Most cops might tell you they typically Air Force Shuffle their way around the mile long course, but we've got a few guys that definitely keep their fitness at the peak levels. Maybe I need shorter legs and a curly bacon tail?

- Pigs are strong! I can tell you I've personally looked a boar in the face as it charged me down. It was a scary sight. Everything I've seen in the past shows that a pig can pretty easily knock a person right off their feet with one sturdy drive by. Although I've got a pretty strong head, I wouldn't want to go tet-en-tet with one in a charge-off.

- Pigs can eat! And they'll eat just about anything you put in front of them. This one may sound like a joke, but cops have a strong constitution; at least most of the time. We work twelve hour shifts all through the night, sometimes we don't get a lot of choices as to where we're going to eat, but you can bet we are GOING to eat. If a cop can eat a 7-11 burrito and survive the process, then they've got admirable constitution.

At the end of the day, Winston Churchill said it best, “Dogs look up to man. Cats look down to man. Pigs look us straight in the eye and see an equal.”

#pig